My heart tells me I'm a painter, but my hands say otherwise.

I love the idea of painting. When I see beautiful things my heart says "paint it." I feel like it is what some photographers must think when the see something breathtaking. The problem is, I can't paint. Outside of a few cutesy animal pictures that I painted for my boys room, and a couple of abstract lines I painted on a canvas for my bedroom, I have never created anything worth displaying. Now, I am not saying this for anyone to say "it's all in my head" and "that I really am good"....it's just that the beautiful picture I have in my head never turns out like I want it too.

A few weeks ago I went with a dear friend down to old town Lafayette to listen to some live music with the kiddos. Accompanying the sweet sound of the flute there was a painter. She was painting a simple flower in a tiny vase. I watched as she layered the paint, each layer bringing it closer to life. It went from abstract smudges and lines to something absolutely amazing.

I realized tonight why I have never been able to paint the way I would like. I can't see the layers. I see the final product in my head, and don't know what steps I need to take to get there. I rush through the process, don't let the paint dry, focus on one little area...you get the idea. I forget the big the picture.

I was pondering life this evening, which generally happens when I'm so very hormonal (sorry to any males reading this blog...just giving you the facts). I realized that I have the same tunnel vision when it comes to life. I have this picture of who I want to be, what I want my body to look like, who I want my kids to become, what I want my life to look like. I'm not saying that I have this idealistic image of life, some expectation I can't meet, I just struggle to see the steps towards the top.

So, tonight I am trying to appreciate the smudges of paint that is the painting of my life. Knowing that those smudges are necessary and just the beginning of something beautiful. And most of all, seeing these beginning layers as a thing of beauty all on their own.